The Lump

I just noticed tonight that the lump in my neck... okay, I'll call it what it is: the tumor in my neck, is barely noticeable. It is amazing to me that it has shrunk this much. I can still feel it there, but it is softer and so much smaller. I don't think it is just my imagination either.

I am feeling pretty good lately, though still tired. The burn is still raw and disgusting looking. I actually don't want to go anywhere where anyone might have to look at it. I have to keep it greased up or it gets dry and starts to hurt. Taking a shower is unpleasant. I really empathize with burn victims more now than I ever have. Good news is that I can feel that the lump has shrunk already. Hopefully that will continue.

I was able to motivate myself enough yesterday to sit and do some work on a long overdue portrait. I got a lot done on it too, so I feel good about that.

Plain Luck

The radiation burn is really stinging and itching. Taking a shower today was painful, but I survived. The part that's the worst is the part that's peeling. My nice dark tan is peeling away, and under it is very pink sensitive skin. I always wanted to be African American because many black people have such beautiful skin, and so I finally got my wish (partially on my neck anyway), and now it's peeling away. Now I am treating it with a prescription called Triamcinolone Acetonide, which seems to put a thin coating of a waxy substance on the burn.

I was watching a show on TV this morning. It was William Shatner interviewing Jerry Springer. They were talking about Springer's family that was murdered in Nazi Germany because they were Jews. He was talking about being on a TV show himself where they trace back your family history, and how they showed him so much information that they had found... all kinds of records of dates, places, names, and how his grandmother and others were put into a van and while they were driven a ways they were gassed at the same time. So then, my mind starts wandering as it often does... I got to thinking about concentration camps and Nazi Germany and the extermination of innocent people. I have always been very aware of the holocaust because I read The Diary of Anne Frank when I was about thirteen. I believe it helped shape my awareness of the human ability to do evil, and how easily civilization can break down. It's why any kind of extremism has always scared the crap out of me.

Anyway... I thought about (again, because I think this often) how fortunate I am to have been born when I was born and where I was born, and given the opportunity to live a peaceful life with those I love. I thought about how having cancer didn't mean I had to die, but that I was given the opportunity to find ways to treat it that allowed me to continue to live that peaceful life. I considered the fact that if I had been a European Jew in the middle of Nazi Germany and had cancer that it would basically have no significance to my life. It would be of no consequence. It would neither matter if I was able to find treatment or if I totally ignored it. War was going to take care of it for me. Hitler and the Nazi's would want me dead, so having cancer would be a moot point. Nobody would be interested in helping me.

So, here I am being treated for cancer for the third time--surviving ten years with it so far. Why am I so lucky? I honestly don't think there is any reason. No answer to that. And the only hope for others to have the same opportunity to find treatment and cures in the future is for civilization not to break down and to continue to evolve. Ignorance, intolerance and hatred are the things that would change that.

Summer Birthdays and Tornadoes

My first week this summer with no radiation treatments to go to. I am so lost. Not.

I'm feeling okay, but still tire easily and again it feels like there is a rock in my throat when I swallow, but it's not painfully sore like the first time that happened. I'll keep taking the non-vomit inducing OraMagic mouth rinse stuff, and I need to drink more water.

In an earlier blog entry I mentioned the size of my medical file at the Cancer Center. So, last Wednesday I took a photo of it when the doctor had to leave the room for a minute. It's huge. It's embarrassing. Each time you go to the cancer center, they take a photo of you. That file now has three different photos of me!

This past Saturday my brother Jay and sister-in-law Alicia had a combined birthday party for all three of their children, so we drove down there a little earlier and the kids opened their birthday presents (because the invite said not to bring gifts, but we did). It was a very humid day, but Jay's house is surrounded by trees so it didn't feel too sticky. Their property is just beautiful. But it was kind of raining, and storms were threatening, but he had a tent up and chairs set up in the garage as well. The kids were really excited to open grandma's presents. Nik got two hockey goal sets, Anna got an American Girl doll (her birthday & Christmas present), and Ellise got a little bike with training wheels. They were in heaven. I gave them a big three lane water slide and a sprinkler.

I was kind of afraid to go to the party because I knew there were going to be a LOT of little kids there and I didn't want to scare them if they looked at my revoltingly molting neck. But they didn't really notice me (imagine that!) They all got to play games and ride Jay's zip line and Nik was the one that broke open the pinata. (It was also my brother Larry's birthday!) Here is a video of Nik hitting the pinata. He's the little guy in the navy and red Twins outfit at the end who hits it with a wicked swing. Joe Mauer look out!

We left early, thankfully. Bad thunderstorms and tornadoes blew in about an hour later. Unfortunately everyone else left right in the middle of the onslaught. It reminded me of when we were kids and Larry and I had combined birthday parties in July and every time we had one it seemed like there were tornado warnings and everyone ended up in the basement.

Everyone made it home safely, though some had to do without electricity for a while.

Now What?

Thursday night was my last radiation treatment on my neck. I had a total of 30 treatments. The lump feels a bit smaller, but you can't expect it to disappear or shrink to pea size overnight. The burn on my neck is a pain in the arse, but I'm no worse for wear. I go back to see the radiologist in two weeks, then again two weeks after than, and to see my oncologist in a month. Dr.'s are great people and I owe them a lot, but I really hate going to see them. Hate it.

My last treatment went very well. The Mask was almost "comforting" and instead of feeling like something that was trying to kill me, it felt bizarrely like a security blanket. Not that I miss the damn thing... hell no. Just looking at it makes me cringe a bit. Yep, I got to take it home with me. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet. My favorite therapist was there for my last treatment. He's the one that asks if you're doing okay when he puts the mask on. Just a really nice person, but then again, they are all really nice. He gave me the certificate of congratulations that has all their names on it. It looked familiar since I must have gotten one back in 2007 as well, and maybe even back in 2001. Believe me, there were some days that I felt like I couldn't keep going, so I guess it was somewhat of an accomplishment. I hope it's the last time I have to go there on a daily basis, but logically I doubt that is possible. But for now, I am just happy to be DONE.

As much as mom and I wanted to go get drunk afterward, we went straight home and watched the Twins get killed by the White Sox.

Curveballs

Life is full of curve balls isn't it? That's what I love about it, and why I love baseball. You just never know what will happen. When you sit down to watch a baseball game, there is no way you can possibly predict what will happen. You don't know, you might have started to watch a game that will end prematurely because of rain, or one that might last into the morning in extra innings. No way in hell you can predict what will go on during that game either. You can't say that about other ball games, can you? Maybe you can, but I can't think of one.

So, my curve ball came this morning when we were about to leave for my LAST radiation treatment. Number 30. I got a call from one of the therapists telling me that his machine wasn't working and he asked if I could instead come in at seven o'clock tonight. Sure, no problem... but pretty funny considering it is my last treatment. I am just hoping the machine is working then and I don't have to go tomorrow... but I will if that's what happens.

Who knows!

Big Fat Files

Things went much better today, thankfully. And I don't feel as drained either, but I have a huge headache, so I won't be long at the computer.

Mom was telling me the other day what the cost of each treatment is, and how much my PET scan was... I don't like knowing. It's crazy expensive and I can't help thinking that I'm not worth that kind of money. But, I'm really never given any kind of option but to get treated. You just do what they tell you you have to do and you go with the flow and keep breathing. The only thing that makes me feel better about it all is that hopefully my doctors and therapists learn something from treating me that they can pass on to their other patients or just general knowledge of the disease. My file is huge at the Cancer Center. It started in 2001, and all my information is in that dictionary sized file that the doctor lugs into the office with him every Wednesday. He even commented at how big it was. So, I guess when they no longer need it, they will either toss it out or do whatever else they do with them... maybe a bird sanctuary somewhere has lots of cages that need flooring.

I only have two more treatments left, and I don't know what happens after that. I am excited, however, to bring home my Mask.

Woe is Me

I had a small panic attack when they put The Mask on today. STRANGE. Just felt like maybe I might die, you know, or pass out. Pretty funny considering I only have three more sessions left. So much for thinking I was beyond it all.

So, I have complaints today. Feeling kind of blue, and also feeling zapped of all energy. Oh, and not to mention half of my neck is burnt to a crisp. Other than that I'm doin' good, haha.

Buzzzzz....

Next week is my last week of radiation treatment. I have four sessions left. Where is July going so fast? I want to be done, but I want my summer back.

Today I had some humorously bad thoughts while getting my treatment. I was noticing that the buzzzzzz of the radiation when it's delivering its juice to my neck was lasting a little bit longer than it used to. Of course, I knew that they were giving me more in these final treatments because the doctor told me that. So, listening to the buzz as it zapped me, I wondered what would happen if they forgot it was going and forgot to stop it? What if it kept zapping me? Would it kill me? Would my head explode? Would I start on fire? Yea, sometimes you find your mind wandering....

Oh baby, I'm sooooo tiard

Today I found myself to be very tired and sleep found me and wouldn't let me go. So, I'm on my way to bed again and hoping I can at least read a few chapters of my book before falling asleep again...

My treatment today was good, but there wasn't the ease of the previous days. Any one little thing can make everything feel a little off. And for the first time, I didn't leave feeling hungry. I might have finally lost my appetite. 'Bout time. They tell you they don't want you to lose weight, but it would be nice to lose a few pounds.

Color Me Burned

Today was see-the-doctor-day at the cancer center. He told me that they've been giving me a concentrated dose of the radiation in these last sessions, and that's why the skin on my neck is getting so burned. So, I thought I would take a photo of my neck with my new camera. You can pretty much see the exact line of where the radiation is treating me. He said that it will continue to get more burned. I only have until next Thursday, then I'm done. He advised to keep the area wet with the special burn creams or lotions. I'm using something called Aquaphor, which is kind of like a vaseline type substance.

We went to see Auntie June again today, but this time we brought her lunch and she paid for it as a birthday treat. I couldn't argue her out of that one, bless her heart.

Ode To A Tumor

Well, today the parking lot was brimming, unlike the day before when we were the only ones stupid enough to show up. The same couple was in the waiting room with us that has been there for a while now, and we were greeted with a bright hello from them. She is a breast cancer patient, and she was trying on some of the caps they have in a basket on the corner table. She went with the black and white zebra print. She said her hair was starting to come back (she is almost finished with her radiation treatments, and I assume she completed chemotherapy before that), but that it was coming in real gray. Mom said that was typical and told her that it would probably come in curly, too, but that once you cut it it would go back to being straight. I didn't know mom knew that. She's smarter than she lets on.

My therapist today is a young woman who also treated me back in 2007, so I am pretty comfortable with her. She's very sweet. The Mask was not tight today at all. I was back in the room on the left, which I prefer (because I'm used to it). I always expected that sooner or later I would stop feeling claustrophobic under The Mask, and it would not affect me like it did at the beginning, and I was right. It's all routine now. I take my deep breaths, get swallowed by The Mask, and do my best to relax for the fifteen or so minutes in that room. But, believe me there were days where I truly wondered if that would happen. I was kind of taken for a loop by the whole thing... never realizing I was claustrophobic at all and having those panic feelings for the first time. I'm much more comfortable being in control of things and not having irrational fears. Irrational things bother me, so I was not liking it at all.

So, now that I am over The Mask anxieties, I am dealing with what I was warned would happen, and that is irritated skin. The skin on my neck is starting to feel like a bad sunburn. It's not quite a bad sunburn, but it is definitely tender to the touch and a bit itchy. I'm using lotion and anti-itch powder on it.

The previous times that I was treated for this disease, I had tumors, but they were not visible to me and I could not feel them. This time is different. I can feel this tumor and it is a different experience than before. Being able to feel the tumor is a bit more daunting, if only because you can reach up and touch it and know for yourself if it's going away or not. The other times, I didn't really bother to even think about it. Well, the first tumor was removed with surgery, so that was different as well. The other tumor did shrink, from what the CT scans revealed. The reality of cancer sometimes doesn't register when the tumor isn't visible and you can't measure it with the touch of your fingertips. At least three times a day I'll touch it and estimate its size, and I wonder if it will always be there and I will simply have to live with it. I guess only time will tell, and even then, will it matter, really? I mean, doesn't everyone die from something whether you know about it in advance or not? You simply just have to live day to day.

Unscheduled Visits

I don't know if I should feel really stupid or not. Today I got all ready and we went to the cancer center for my *scheduled* 10:00 a.m. appointment, and we got there and the parking lot was completely empty and the place was very obviously not open. Today is the day after July 4th, and I know that the government is closed down, and no mail today, and some businesses are closed but I didn't know that the cancer center closed as well. Of course, it would have helped if they hadn't written a time for my treatment on the schedule they made for me. I guess they forgot. So... I just add on another day at the end.

We stopped in to see Auntie June to pick up the magazines she gets for me from a friend of hers, and brought her some watermelon.

Opposite Day with Erin

Yesterday was my birthday so I gave myself the day off from blogging. So there. Actually, I've been tired, and this week seemed to last forever, so I haven't had much energy to post. I had a wonderful birthday and spent the evening with my sibs and their spouses, except for Jay and family, and Lisa made a yummy carrot cake, and I was spoiled rotten by their incredibly generous gifts.

On Wednesday, I thought I had my head situated in the pillow perfectly, but the therapist kept telling me to scoot up a tiny bit. I don't think I succeeded and so the mask was tight. But it must not have bothered me too much because I almost fell asleep!

Today, for reasons I won't bother to get into, my niece Erin drove us to the center. She's a very good driver by the way. We got there kind of early and I noticed when I signed in to the computer the time for my appointment had changed from 10:45 to 11:00, so I knew they must have been running behind.

A woman in the waiting room, a breast cancer patient, had a little girl with her. I guess she was there the day before too but I didn't see her, mom did. Anyway, it is hard to see that someone who has a little girl with her is going through cancer. This little girl was so well behaved, she just sat there in her chair quiet as can be, and she looked like a little doll... just adorable and perfect in her little dress with her curly black hair in a headband.

I asked Erin if she wanted to come back and see how they do everything. I don't know if she really wanted to but she must have seen that I really wanted her too. I tried to enticed her by telling her that there are good looking guys back there... which was funny because I didn't see any of the regular girls back there at all today only the guys. I also thought it could be a field trip type of thing.

Today was like opposite day. I had to use the other room today. He said they were running behind in my usual room. So everything is on the opposite side, and it is hard to go from doing everything one way and now having to do it the opposite. Just a little weird.

It's pretty cool to have someone besides myself to see what it's all about, so thanks Erin for sharing the experience with me today.

I am not sure really what she thought of it... you have to quiz her about things because she's not a big talker ;) But we have a lot of laughs together.

Afterward I got her lunch at LeeAnn Chin, one of our favorite places to eat! Then later we tried to Skype with Allie but she wasn't online. Another reason it was opposite day... on the webcam we were both agreeing that we hated how when you look at yourself on the webcam everything is opposite. You try to fix your hair and you end up messing up the side that didn't need fixing, etc. But smarty-pants Erin figured out how to change that so now everything is right with the world.

(BTW, I am able to Skype because my brother Larry and his family got me the webcam for my birthday - thanks you guys!)